This is a week where I feel my empathy skills might be challenged.
It’s a lot easier to be empathic with people who are like us and do things we agree with. It takes a lot more effort when they don’t.
It’s very hard to practice empathy when we’re not in a good place emotionally or are feeling threatened and defensive. Empathy comes from a place of being open, engaged, and curious.
A really important note is that empathy doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with the person we have empathy with or that we condone their actions…
But I do find the practice of empathy helps dissipate negative emotions I might be feeling and gives me space.
Heading into this week I felt I needed a reminder of what empathy is and why it matters, so I reflected on what I wrote about it in my book Solve Problems That Matter. You might find it useful too…
What is Empathy?
Design thinking is built on empathy. It’s the bedrock on which all good design happens. It’s a word we use a lot, but it can mean different things to people.
It’s a really interesting area of research. The Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at the University of California, Berkeley, do a lot of research in this area, and they say “emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling”.
You might be wondering why it matters. The GGSC goes on to say:
“Research suggests that empathic people tend to be more generous and concerned with others’ welfare, and they also tend to have happier relationships and greater personal well-being. Empathy can also improve leadership ability and facilitate effective communication”.
Greater Good Science Center
If you’re wondering how empathic you are, they have a simple quiz on their website.
When I ask people what empathy means to them, the most common response is “walking in someone else’s shoes”. I think this is a good start because we’ve at least switched places – or, as I joke, maybe stolen someone’s shoes. To be more specific, the important thing is not just to be in someone else’s shoes, but to also see and feel things as that person does.
From their point of view and experience.
I see empathy as the exact opposite of the Golden Rule “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” – which in some cultures, is held up as the pinnacle of human interaction. That view leads to the judgements that tend to follow the phrase “if I was them…”.
That’s the antithesis of empathy.
Taking the position that because I want something, I’m going to push that on to you is a very self-centred and selfish perspective. Instead, when we build empathy, we seek to understand and connect with the other person – with curiosity.
How do they see the world? What’s important to them? How do they want to be treated? Why?
3 Types of Empathy
Empathy is a big concept, and foundational for pretty much all of the work I do.
Daniel Goleman, the psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, identified three types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate. The neuroscience shows that each activates different parts of our brain. There’s a spectrum of empathy, and the three types work together.
Cognitive Empathy
Cognitive empathy is what we’re using when we “walk in someone else’s shoes”. It’s sometimes called perspective-taking. We see things from the other person’s perspective, but we don’t really feel it. This is mostly an intellectual exercise, and keeps the other person at a distance.
For the type of work I do, and to be a good leader, this is not enough. With this type of empathy, we can understand other people’s mental models, and the language they use to describe their world.
This is valuable to communicate effectively, but without emotional or compassionate empathy, it can just be used to manipulate people.
Emotional Empathy
Emotional empathy is when we “feel with” someone. Daniel Goleman says this is the type of empathy you need for any role where you relate to people. This is the empathy that creates a sense of rapport. It’s about connection.
Our mirror neurons fire when we experience this type of empathy, which is important for all kinds of social interactions.
This type of empathy is one of the key behaviours in great leaders and high-performing teams.
Compassionate Empathy
With compassionate empathy or empathic concern, we have the emotional empathy, and when we see someone in need, we’re moved to take action and help however we can.
This type of empathy can allow us to feel more empowered and positive, because we’re helping someone else.
It’s important to remember though, empathy is not about what we want – it’s about what the other person wants and needs.
When we’re displaying compassionate empathy, it’s not about how we’d want to be treated if we were them… it’s about how they want to be treated. This is the key point about empathy that I really want to emphasise.
Why Practice Empathy?
There’s a strong link between empathy and our own personal sustainability that I talked about in my Your Personal Wellbeing Plan post.
When we engage with people empathically, we create a sense of trust and psychological safety. This is foundational for strong connections, effective collaboration, and healthier personal and professional dynamics.
Empathy allows us to shift perspective. This helps reduce our feelings of frustration and replaces them with feelings of compassion and patience.
When we understand how other people perceive and experience things and what motivates them, it can help us manage our stress and maintain a more balanced emotional state. This builds resilience and a sense of purpose.
Empathy in Action
To build empathy, we need to practice self-awareness and self-management to look after our own wellbeing. This is for a couple of reasons.
The first is it’s very hard to practice empathy when we’re not in a good place emotionally or are feeling threatened and defensive. Empathy comes from a place of being open, engaged, and curious.
The other reason is that when we’re practising empathy in a purpose-driven context, we can often be dealing with some very confronting realities. This can result in emotional exhaustion or compassion fatigue – which can lead directly to burnout.
A really important note is that building empathy doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with the person we have empathy with or that we condone their actions – but we need to build a level of empathy if we are to design solutions people are more likely to adopt.
It can often be easier to feel empathy with people who are more like us, but it takes more work to build empathy with people who are very different to us – and some people are naturally more empathic.
Either way, the good news is we can learn and practice our empathy. In fact, this is a key life skill.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”
Brené Brown
How will you practice empathy?
Solve Problems That Matter
This is an excerpt from my book Solve Problems That Matter, where I go into a lot more detail on all of the things I’ve covered in this post… and plenty more.
It’s a playbook with actions and worksheets to help you take a human-centred design and living systems approach to design, build, and launch your idea. Ideas that customers love, make money, and do great things for people and our planet… all while increasing wellbeing.
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